Like I posted in my other post, I had a break up conversation with Chia Li on February 2009. Being rejected was one of the reasons, but that’s just not all. I started liking someone else in the inter-webs. She is another person who brought a big change in me and made me look at things in a different way. Her name is Janet. My friends were very skeptic about this whole Janet thing because she is some one I’ve not met in real and she is very young. Lets face it! 17-year-old GF when you are 25, makes you look like a pedophile. :p Here is a picture of her
Oh ya, she is not that pretty or some thing of that kind, but she is a very nice person. Cute, naughty, silly, stupid at times. At that time I was ‘Angy’. There was this guy Kevin (xGore), who told me about how much she liked me and stuff, but I was a bit skeptic about it in the beginning. I though ‘Internet relationships are for idiots who cannot find one in real’. Then there is a fact that I was acting as a girl and didn’t want any one to catch me on that lie. I told her to not have any crazy ideas. I used the “I’m a Girl” card on her but she insisted on ‘my love for you is unconditional’. Then it occurred to me – What the fuck am I doing? I do like her, why am I trying to push her away? Then I gave in. That was on February. By march, the game server we played – ‘SydneyMS’, had shut down due to some other issues. Then I made my server, she was one of the people who stood besides me and supported me on that. but the end of march, I couldn’t keep on lying to her. Guilt is really a bitch at times. I also wanted our relationship to go beyond being ‘just another cyber-relationship’.
I had a talk with a good friend of mine Josie, and took her advice. I revealed my identity to Janet and a few other close friends of mine. I can only imagine what she felt or what she went through. I was ready for everything. I was ready to accept that she is going to leave me. To think of it, it’ll be logical if she left me then. She was upset for a couple of days. Though I was ready to accept a break up, I was not ready to give up. I tried to calm her down and she eventually did. She decided to continue with it since I’m the same person. After knowing my whole episode with Chia Li, I can easily understand that she was merely showing sympathy. The love was not there any more. I always hoped some day it will change. Tried to make things better. Tried to treat her better.Tried to make her happy. Tried to make things in a way she’d want them to be. Tried to do things which I thought is sweet. Tried to impress her with every thing possible. Always felt guilty about the whole ‘Angy’ episode. May be tried a tad bit too much. :p
When I was ‘Angy’, I used to avoid her just because I did not want her to become serious and I did not want any one to know my secrets :p. Things changed after my ‘coming out of closet’. I started to be more attached. I wanted talk to her as much as possible. I was greedy. I wanted more of her in my life. That being said, I do not mean any physical ‘more’. If you ever loved someone, you’d know the feeling. It is not some thing you can put into words. To add on, I’m naturally a ‘sticky man’, who wants every one I love near-by all the time. I admit I over-do it at times. Like every one else, I’m not a perfect being, but that’s who I’m. Its a package deal :lol:.
After a couple of months, I wanted to speed up things and make a move, I asked her to decide what she wanted to do with the relationship. She did not want to decide. I tried to push her into it. I said that if she doesn’t want to decide, I’ll try to suicide. I know that was a stupid thing to do, but I did not force her into any particular decision but forced her into making one. One of the biggest mistakes I did. I’ll probably regret it for ever.
I’m my biggest enemy. I suffer for my own mistakes. In October, Janet was doing her internship in Hyatt. I missed her because she was always busy and such. I can be a attention whore at times. I tried to talk to her about it. Annoyed her a bit and made her tell me she doesn’t love me. I saw that coming but I kept pushing it until I got that. I still have no clue why I did that. She said, “I loved Angy not you”. I tried many things to ‘patch up’, but the more I tried more it went worse from bad. The worst part about me is, I tend to lose myself when I’m in pain. I told her hurtful things. Things that I should not have said, things that I did not want to.
“Words are easier to spill than to take back”
The relationship with Janet helped me to get out my depression. Janet helped me to move on. She taught me that life doesn’t stop for any one. a couple of months ago, I’d have listed a million negative things about Janet. Now I’ve understood some thing which I did not in the past. When it comes to relationship, it does not matter an ounce who is right or who is wrong. You must just look at the positive things and leave the negative stuff behind. I might have done things wrong, but in my heart, I know I did all the ‘wrong’ stuff ’cause I loved her. I think she knows that as well. Well, since the relationship started on a lie, you cannot expect anything good to come out of a lie.
“If you lie, you will pay for it, not in the after life but in this”
Right now, I’m probably the person Janet hates the most in this world. Thanks to preachings of her ‘friends’, its all done for good now. I wish things were not this bad.